Chapter 1: Anger Don’t Burn Down the House - Create an Empire
“An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.”
–Gandhi
Anger may be one of the best emotions to have when channeled in a positive direction. It has started revolutions, protests, new laws, entrepreneurship, and world brilliance.
Anger is defined as: a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.
Were you wronged by your beau? If so, how do you want to channel your pain? Think wisely because anger can land you in jail or in a negative situation. There is nothing wrong with anger if used properly.
Remember it is natural to get angry. Anger is good energy to transform, but it must be channeled properly. This is a high octane, action emotion that can drive you to start different exciting endeavors to feel better. Once you get to the anger stage, you are liable to conquer world hunger. You are on fire and that energy can lead you to start your own business, go to school, write a really good book, get a promotion, gain or lose weight, focus more on your children and family. It forces you into transition; therefore, in order to work your anger, you have to start a project. You have to start something that will distract you from him. Find a feel good project to start.
All of the great parenting books advise in order to keep children on the correct track; they must have distractions such as after school activities like ballet, sports, music, and the arts. Children who participate in these activities often have a strong sense of self-esteem and do well in school. This doesn’t stop when you get older. It’s imperative to have other activities besides the necessities of life. Work is not enough. Being a mother is not enough. Being a wife is not enough. Find new and inventive ways to distract yourself.
Take a day and think about something you have always wanted to do but kept on hold. The idea is to create something that is all yours:
- Start a hobby (paint, write, art is always healing)
- Go to school or get an interior design certificate
- Start a new and improved job
- Start your own company or business
- Volunteer
- Join a church
- Write a book
- Start a website about the many uses of nail polish
- Try to gain or lose weight
- Start a garden
I would suggest disciplining yourself and creating a schedule to follow every day. Simply, insert your new endeavors and create time for them in your life and you will see how things turn around. This is a better alternative than retaliating with your anger. Do not burn down the house because you found another woman’s bobby pin, underwear, or ponytail holder in his bathroom.
Do not do anything hasty because there are a few women in jail or dead behind using their anger for revenge and destruction. If you have found some other woman’s panties in his dirty clothes hamper or some earrings you know are not yours, take a deep breathe. I suggest leaving the scene and waiting a full 24 hours before you confront your beau. You can learn a lot in 24 hours. That will give you time to calm down, center yourself, and sustain control.
I regret to say that your best bet will be to break it off because whatever answers he gives you will more than likely be a fib. During my wonder years, I had a boyfriend who went through a cheating spell. I found underwear in his apartment along with a pair of jeans and a cute little fuzzy sweater. In my rage, I cut up her jeans and sweater into tiny weenie pieces. I was not touching the underwear.
In retrospect, I realize, there are women who specialize in leaving their clothes at your man’s house to tip you off. God bless these women because they really are doing you a favor. But at that moment of my rage, I did not see all of that. I did not see how the other woman was actually helping me. It was my first experience with reverse girl power. And, I must say, if you find a woman’s clothes at his office or home destroy her clothes not him. Plus, if you mess up her clothes, she probably won’t leave anything else of value again.
To continue, I asked him about the underwear and while sweat poured down his shocked face, he quickly stated, “Lisa across the street’s water went out so she had to take a shower over here and she probably left it.”
He played the Good Samaritan card. Normally, when I man gets caught like this, he will advise that his sister, cousin, or neighbor left her things behind. This could be true. This could be false. Whatever the outcome is: stay calm.
“But, why did she put it in your dirty clothes, and not just take it home,” I angrily asked.
“I don’t know why she did that, I was just being nice,” he advised.
I am thinking, Lisa is a size 13, and the found underwear is a size 6. Now, I am mad because he really thinks I am dumb.
“Well, let me call Lisa and apologize for cutting up her clothes,” I stated knowing he would say no.
In which he did, and was very nice for the rest of the afternoon. Now, I knew he was lying but instead of arguing, I decided to let him think I was really that dumb. In that moment my love faded, my wall came back up and I started to consider him last for everything in my life.
There is no need for yelling and vengeance. If a man needs his freedom, give it to him.
Lashing out violently, or taking a baseball bat to destroy every tangible object he loves will not change the fact that he is cheating. It will only pull you further into his mess. You are a beautiful Goddess deserving of all things lovely, and you do not have time to waste on a man who needs more than your love. Take the loss and move on.
Besides, most women know when their man is cheating; there is always a change in his behavior or excuses that arrive in and out of the moon. If he is cheating, you will find out. Don’t go out and look for it; it will come to you
For example, Veronica, a colleague of mine, had a hunch that her husband was cheating. The hunch came from one of her co-workers who told her she saw him out to dinner with another woman. This is before camera phones, so she really could not prove it. As a result, the information lay dormant in Veronica’s mind for about two weeks.
But, then the idea started eating her up inside, the tip brought up high suspicion and she began to look for clues. She became a mad woman. She would take off of work and rent cars to stake out in and to follow him around town. Consequently, she began to neglect her other ambitions and goals and became obsessed with “catching him.” One day, Veronica was at home and got a call from one of her friends telling her about a young woman who recently died in a car accident.
The sad thing is that this woman died because she was chasing her husband who was in the car with his other woman. She lost control of the car and both she and her baby died. She and her baby did not die because her husband wanted to have an affair. They died because mama handled it wrong - she was out of control. Her pain and hurt lead her to such rage that she neglected herself and drove her car to her death.
Veronica decided to stop being a mad woman behind this woman’s story. My example is to show that we need not look for clues to “catch him” or hire private investigators because the truth will come out when you least expect it. Please do not follow him, show up at his house at 2 am, destroy his car or tell his mother about what he is doing to you. The energy you use in doing that will take you away from your personal goals or time you can use to pamper yourself. If a man wants to cheat, leave him and let him be who he wants to be because he really is not your man.
And, do not take it personal. It is not your fault. I honestly believe that some people are habitual cheaters. It is like a sport or a game. He may love his mate with all his heart, but still cheat for whatever metaphysical, physical, or emotional reason. Just let him be who he wants to be. Not everyone is supposed to live happily ever after together.
- Kaya Cassan
